Old habits

Lately I've been falling back into old habits of mine, like reading, writing, and becoming a bit of an antisocial person. I think I don't go out as much, but to tell the truth, I go out plenty more than I used to before I had a boyfriend.
I have mostly been focusing on planning what I'm going to do with my life for the next 5 or 6 years.
I realized over the Easter holiday (of which I had very little since I went to my practices -aka social service- all day long in order to put in a few more hours and finish earlier) that I don't think I want to be stuck in an office for 9 long hours... They can translate as 8 if you take out meal time, but you're still stuck there nonetheless, you still habe to come back to it as soon as you're done with your cup of coffee.
Still, I'll be screwed for a few years if I still plan on moving out in three years maximum from this point in time. Oh, and I also decided that I want to become a lawyer. So I'll be working full time and studying only part time. I still think I'm going to die both physically and mentally, and my social life will for sure be in a rut... But what is there to do? I'll be doing most of the things I want to do. I'll have the freedom to do whatever it is that I feel like doingm albeit I won't have the time to actually do them. Ain't that a bitch?
My parents and I have planned for me to do the last part of my social service at the place where my father works. I'd be at an entirely different area, it'll be directly related to my career and, who knows? They might just hire me. At first I didn't like the idea because then my father would be even more of a pain in the ass if a discussion should ever arise (sarcastical VERY UNCOMMON OF HIM) since then he'd be capable of saying that I owe everything I have to him. I could, A, just quit. Or B, tell him he's right and that thinks to his money I finally managed to move out of his house and become the indecent woman he always feared I would be. I certainly like the second option best. It's meaner and more economically convenient, meow!

I'm waiting

I'm waiting for you to call my name
Just so I can freely jump into the train.
I can feel my heart beat hard after your trails,
I can see my eyes glistening at the sight of a green light.
I crave for you to call me,
A message or a whisper.
Let's say it right,
and admit that the feeling lingers in this broken heart.


Forget about all the nonsense that I've made myself believe.
Nevermind the fact that you're no good to me.
Ignore the good advice from all my friends,
and listen to the sound of your breathing as you welcome me back into your arms.


Feel these shivers,
they're the same.
Touch these lips,
they've missed you dearly.
Hold me close,
don't ever let me go again.


It is ludicrous how I feel like running back to you.
It's nonsensical to still feel like a memory could ever come back to us.
And yet here you have me!
Just like so many months ago.
Waiting for a sign of life.
Hoping that I'll see you smile.
And hating myself for doing so.

No entiendo

Me desespera mucho esta situación. Me exaspera. Me harta. Me enfada. Creo que ya usé todos los sinónimos que pude para que entiendan cómo me siento.
No comprendo por qué no puedo estar con mis amigos en el extranjero. Por más que ame mi tierra, por más que la extraño cuando estoy lejos, creo que la aprecio más cuando no la tengo a la mano. Extraño "su ritmo y su color". Pero ahorita que estoy en ella, ¿de qué chingados me sirve si todos mis amigos viven a mil millones de millas de distancia de aquí?
Et je me désespère aussi parce-que l’unique personne que je pensais qu’était ma meilleure amie ne l’est non plus. Je ne sais pas que s’est passé, mais on ne parle plus. Est-ce que c’est passé par un mensonge ? UN TRES STUPIDE ET IMBECILE MENSONGE ? J’aimerais passer plus temps avec elle, mais tout qu’elle voit faire est coexister avec un homme qui n’est pas un homme. C’est un homosexuel que n’a pas voulu sortir du placard. Ce que m’ennuie au plus, c’est que je ne m’amuse plus avec lui. Il est barbant, impoli, grossier, on n’a pas le même sens de l’humeur et si ma copine ne voulait sortir avec lui si suivi, j’en suis sure que je ne le verrais pas du tout.
And then I start visiting my friends' pages and I feel so left out, because they've kept on seeing each other, they still talk to each other pretty often, and for fuck's sake! I live 7 hours behind them and it's kind of tricky to get on the same schedule they are on. I don't even go online that often anymore.
The entire thing is a pain in the ass. I'm a pain in the ass, crying about, Oh, why don't we have more money? Then I could have gone to Cambridge and studied in a proper way, the way I would have wanted to study. But managing that would be a great deal of a pain in the ass and I am the laziest person you have ever encountered accross your path!
If I ever read back on this I know it'll just look like WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE, A shitload of whining. BUT WHY CAN'T I? Am I not entitled to do so? My life sucks at present because I have no close friends, and I don't think my future will bring any interesting people... Please, someone, send me somebody to talk to! Someone interesting! Someone that makes it worth the while to get out of bed and breathe all fucking day long!