No entiendo

Me desespera mucho esta situación. Me exaspera. Me harta. Me enfada. Creo que ya usé todos los sinónimos que pude para que entiendan cómo me siento.
No comprendo por qué no puedo estar con mis amigos en el extranjero. Por más que ame mi tierra, por más que la extraño cuando estoy lejos, creo que la aprecio más cuando no la tengo a la mano. Extraño "su ritmo y su color". Pero ahorita que estoy en ella, ¿de qué chingados me sirve si todos mis amigos viven a mil millones de millas de distancia de aquí?
Et je me désespère aussi parce-que l’unique personne que je pensais qu’était ma meilleure amie ne l’est non plus. Je ne sais pas que s’est passé, mais on ne parle plus. Est-ce que c’est passé par un mensonge ? UN TRES STUPIDE ET IMBECILE MENSONGE ? J’aimerais passer plus temps avec elle, mais tout qu’elle voit faire est coexister avec un homme qui n’est pas un homme. C’est un homosexuel que n’a pas voulu sortir du placard. Ce que m’ennuie au plus, c’est que je ne m’amuse plus avec lui. Il est barbant, impoli, grossier, on n’a pas le même sens de l’humeur et si ma copine ne voulait sortir avec lui si suivi, j’en suis sure que je ne le verrais pas du tout.
And then I start visiting my friends' pages and I feel so left out, because they've kept on seeing each other, they still talk to each other pretty often, and for fuck's sake! I live 7 hours behind them and it's kind of tricky to get on the same schedule they are on. I don't even go online that often anymore.
The entire thing is a pain in the ass. I'm a pain in the ass, crying about, Oh, why don't we have more money? Then I could have gone to Cambridge and studied in a proper way, the way I would have wanted to study. But managing that would be a great deal of a pain in the ass and I am the laziest person you have ever encountered accross your path!
If I ever read back on this I know it'll just look like WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE, A shitload of whining. BUT WHY CAN'T I? Am I not entitled to do so? My life sucks at present because I have no close friends, and I don't think my future will bring any interesting people... Please, someone, send me somebody to talk to! Someone interesting! Someone that makes it worth the while to get out of bed and breathe all fucking day long!

New Old Friends

All of a sudden, miles away from the people I used to consider only classmates, I now realize that some of them were truly my friends.
Had I been able to pull myself out of the hole I willingly jumped into, I could have had so much more fun... I could have been able to truly bond with them.
I remember those days and I remember feeling that they were unimportant, scarcely as real as my "real" friends were to me.
It's a bit too late to say, Hey, I should walk out this door and join them, and truly be there with them. Not be a simple shade. A ghost of a friend.
There were very few moments when I was truly involved with them.
And there were truly very few moments when I was myself.
I kept on being quiet, or behaved like a retard, because I believed that was the best way to go with them.
I could never have said or done the things I actually have carried out here.
They were much more conservative, but I think we would have had more fun.
I still miss the people from the previous place LIKE CRAZY.
I don't think I'll ever have as much fun with anyone else as I had with them... And I do believe it's a cultural thing.
I don't think people here could take all the things I say without blushing or thinking of me as a slut.
I can't even say most of the things I believe in to my best friend...
I can talk about absolutely anything with my brother, but he and I are different from the rest for obvious reasons... We're siblings. We're meant to either think alike or be on opposite poles. We luckily enough happen to think alike.
Lately I've been thinking a great deal about Brittany.
I miss her so much... We could have done so many things together. We used to talk like crazy whenever we were in her car, and she drove me from place to place, and we watched some movies... Back then when I was granted almost everything I asked for because I didn't ask for much.
Nowadays I wish I could be out of the house almost on a daily basis... Weekly would be enough... But now it seems like monthly is too much for those who grant my permissions. It sucks. But I keep on thinking it won't be long. They haven't accepted the idea that I'll be leaving as soon as I can, so whenever it actually happens I don't think they'll even know what hit them.
I can't wait.
But I also wish I could see my friends again. All of them. I don't wish to turn back time, because then I wouldn't have learned much.
It's now, when I don't have them, that I would love to have a second chance to really know them, and to let them truly know me. I don't want to change what happened in the past. That would be retarded and useless. I want a second turn.
I hope I get a chance to see them again... Although, I must admit, I never want to go back to that place. I wish I would never have to set foot on that land again... But I know it's impossible. Perhaps if we met half-way somewhere... That would be perfect. But perfect things are hard to achieve.
I must go now.
My stomach is starting to growl and soon enough I'll be crawling in search of food. I still have to put some decent clohtes on... The drag of living in a house full of people.
Thanks for reading.